


Ed né Max the Ontological Dog

by JasperMoore



Category: How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe
Genre: Ontological Entity, Retconned Dog, Time Machine Repair Man, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 17:44:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8723257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JasperMoore/pseuds/JasperMoore
Summary: How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe condensed and written from Ed the Dog's point of view.
How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe is a pretty neat novel by Charles Yu (which is the name of the main character as well, even though the character is not really based much on the author himself). There's a lot of technobabel that means absolutely nothing, but so long as you ignore that it's a fun read with a weird and enjoyable twist, IMO.





	

Roger catches Dianthus around the waist and presses his mouth to hers in a human display of affection. Man-in-Black-Cloth closes his heavy book and grins. He pronounced Roger and Dianthus ‘married’ moments ago. I think that is close to mated, but humans do not like calling pairs ‘mates’. Hands clap around us. I bark too, happy to see my human grinning and laughing. He was very grim last week, when Bad-Man threatened to destroy the human settlement and stole Dianthus.  
I want to join Roger’s happiness, so I put my paws on his grey pants. This always elicits a friendly scruff behind the ears, but today Roger makes a sharp noise of chastisement and pushes me down. Lighter grey prints from the dust at our feet remain behind on his pants. I whine and nudge my nose against Dianthus’s hand, but she pushes me away too. I do not understand. Dianthus has never pushed me away, even when I stole her sandwich. This is what first endeared her to Roger.  
Maybe the situation is wrong. Roger’s clothing is nicer than normal, and Dianthus is wearing the kind of white that soaks up the color of the surrounding earth if care is not taken. I trot along two paces behind Roger and his lady as they run hand in hand down the aisle. The gathered humans pelt us with grain and little circles of paper that catch in my coarse fur. Roger and Dianthus and Man-in-Black-Cloth and all the guests file out behind us, and before long, a party forms. Music plays and food is eaten, but humans shoo me away every time I try to have my share. Roger ignores me, as does his lady. I am confused. We have always been inseparable, from the time Roger took me from beneath a porch and put me in his coat against the rain. I was just a pup. My milk teeth had not yet fallen out.  
Roger remains distant over the next week. I move from confused to bewildered. I am Roger’s friend. Why does he ignore me now? Finally, after eight days of watching him and seeking affection and being denied, Roger calls me from the porch. I set my head in his lap and he scratches my ears and tells me Good Boy, Max. My tongue lolls out in my happiness.  
We go for a walk. Each step kicks up grey dust, and we leave the town and head for the Controllers’ Office. The Office sits in the strange space where pale grey dirt and scrub gives way to lush, darker grey grass and the sky is constantly starry. People from Outside the Story live in the Office, and some of them hold the important duty of ensuring that everything goes as it should in the Stories. The Office is sleek and smooth and shiny in contrast to the weathered wood and black iron and rusty metal favored by the people elsewhere. Roger opens the door and steps to the front desk. He rings a bell, and a Controller comes to speak with him. I sit obediently at Roger’s feet as he asks for a ship. The white, smooth tile beneath my paws is cold and smooth. I have never felt anything like it.  
The Controller leads us through a narrow door, which opens with a hiss. We emerge back into the sunlight and approach a row of small, round pods. These must be ships. What are they for? Why does Roger need a ship? I thought he was happy with Dianthus. Why are we leaving?  
One pod opens with an underwhelming click. Roger pats the rim of the hatch and says Up and I jump inside. I make room for Roger to come inside with me but he does not. The hatch swings shut and bolts closed, and I jump up, whining and scratching at the metal door, but it does not open again. Why did the Controller lock Roger out? It is a bad mistake to make, especially for a Controller.  
A low hum vibrates from the pod and through the tiny round window I see the ground slipping away and Roger is still down there and this is Wrong. I bark at the hatch and run to the front and rear up to place my paws on the control panel. The panel is not Dog Friendly. Lights blink in various shades of grey and white. I am just as likely to hit the ill-conceived self-destruct button as I am to land the pod for Roger. There is nothing for me to do.  
Time passes. Atmosphere gives way to Interstory Space. I do not know where the Controller programed the pod to go. I hope Roger does not worry. The pod has no chronometer.  
Eventually the hatch opens. I am confused, because it has not yet landed. A man steps into my pod and beckons me forwards. I do not know him, but I am happy to see a person. I jump up on him and lick his face and he smiles and scratches me behind my ears. He tells me Hey there and What’s your name and You look like an Ed. Ed is an alright name. I cannot tell him my name is Max, so I shed that name and accept Ed. I am not alone anymore. This is good.  
I follow the New Man into his ship. It is about the same size as my pod, but there is a holographic head floating around. Hello Charles it says. Hello Dog it adds. Charles tells the Head my name is Ed, and I wuff and flop down on the pallet of blankets pushed into one corner. Charles pats my back and I roll over to let him rub my belly. It is good to be touched again. Charles’s ship seals off and disconnects from my pod.  
Life with Charles is good. I feel maybe a little bit guilty for my flatulence. In the open air, Roger never notices, but this pod is small and the air is recycled. Charles leaves the pod from time to time, but he never goes far and I can watch him through round windows. If he does go far, I come with him. I am again a canine sidekick and I am happy.  
The Head is named Tammy and sometimes she cries. I lick the smooth metal of the control panel to sooth her. Charles finds this odd. Sometimes this works and sometimes it does not. Charles sometimes holds me to his chest and lays down to sit up and lay down and sit up and lay down gain. I find this odd, but Charles is my Person so I grumble and bear it.  
The day Charles shoots himself is the most frightening day of my life. We leave the ship and walk through the city and visit his mother and come back to the ship, but the door opens before Charles can press his entry code. Out steps, well, Charles. And me as well. Ed Two and I freeze and stare at each other. A bang shakes the air. We both wince, and Charles Two collapses. I can smell Charles’s panic, and he runs to the pod and jumps inside. I lunge to follow, but the pod blinks out of existence. Then I do as well.  
I blink back into quasi-existence. All around me is stuff. Miles and miles of stuff. Bric-a-brac. Metaphysical refuse. Retconned junk. And then there is me. My tail sweeps half-perked behind me as I trot aimlessly through Overflow. Half-Baked-Ideas scuttle through piles of Abandoned Concepts and worn-out Tropes. I see other organisms wandering around with me out of the corner of my eye, but none of them approach me. I don’t know why I’m here.  
_We can’t double up on synonymous entities in one plane._  
I freeze and whip my head around, looking for the source of the Voice.  
_Hey, sorry pup. I’m not there. I’m just here to give you the run-down. You and a double showed up at the same place and neither of you made any move to leave. So… Given that you’re made of Science Fiction, you come here. Sorry about that._  
Oh. Well. That is not good. I am sure Charles will come for me anyways. He is my Person.  
I wander some more. The Voice does not speak again. I am sniffing a Half-Baked-Idea that looks pretty tasty when I am encompassed by the strangest feeling of being squeezed all over. Then I am falling, but Charles is there! He is falling with me! I bark at him to let him know how happy I am, and then we are in the ship again.  
The unquantified time after the fall is not fun. Charles does not seem very happy to be viewing the scenery through the window. I sniff around and nudge against Charles’s leg. He absently rubs my head. At one point Tammy starts to cry, and I lick the control panel’s metal. I fart and Charles gags, but Tammy laughs, so I do not feel bad. After than I put my paws on the wall and look through the window with Charles. I do not like seeing Youngcharles. Youngcharles seems frequently sad. I drop down again and lick the knee of Charles’s pants. He rubs my ears as he reads his odd book, and then picks up an envelope from the pages. I wander away, and in the corner, I see a paper-covered box. It is the same box his mother gave him. I cock my head and regard the box, then sit to chew at the paper. I like the taste.  
Charles comes to me and takes the bedraggled box away. He rips the soggy paper off and opens the box, then begins to talk with excitement. The emotion is infection, and I hop from foot to foot, my tail frantically beating behind me as he chatters with Tammy. He takes objects from the box and lays them out. I take a small pad of paper and resume gnawing on that while he takes a key and opens another portion of the box. Tammy’s engines still, and she tells Charles Look, the clock. I look at the clock with him, but I cannot read. The symbols mean nothing to me.  
Charles seems sad about this. He talks to Tammy and she replies I get it. I do not ‘get it’. My Person walks to the door and I follow. I do not want to be left again. The door opens, and we step out.  
Just like before, Ed Two and I stop and stare. I guess I am Ed Two now. This situation does not make much sense. Also like before, Charles is shot. I yelp and prance frantically around him as he falls and the other human jumps into the ship. The other Ed vanishes the moment the ship blinks out of existence. People in white uniforms and grey uniforms flood the hangar, and when Charles is loaded onto a hovergurney and pushed quickly towards the waiting ambulance, I bolt after him. The People-In-White-Cloth let me join Charles in the Ambulance.  
Hours later, Charles lays on a white bed in a white room while wearing a white gown. People do not usually talk to dogs unless the person is Charles, but one human tells me Charles will be okay. I am happy about this as I lay across his legs. He is sleeping now, but he will wake up. He is my Person.


End file.
